New Spell Set from the Kids - Cure Blandness

  Last night the kids mentioned 'what if the spell was 'Cause Blandness'?'
  15 minutes later, they had created these spells, made by the kids. Levels, etc., really don't matter.
 

  Cause Blandness: Causes one character to have all characteristics set to 9, hit points to be average, and the only language known is Common
  Power Word - Bland: As Cause Blandness but to 100 HD of creatures within 120'
  Cure Blandness: Has a variety of effects depending on the target;
             Target: Effect
          Fighters: They lose all proficiency in long sword (replacing it with a less-common weapon); they may no longer have a background of 'vaguely Conan-esque northern barbarian type' or similar cliches and must instead have a more unique backstory that includes the names and conditions of their parents and siblings.
          Clerics: Clerics are forced to take at least 15% of their spells (minimum of 1 per level of spell) as something other than Cures. Clerics must also proselytize unbelievers, correct the alignment-inappropriate behavior of their party members, and perform routine worship of their god or gods.
          Magic-users: Their robes are transformed into practical travelling clothes, they must account for the contents and locations of their spellbooks, and component inventories will be checked ruthlessly. See the following list for further effects;
                      1st level target: if he has never memorized a spell other than Magic Missile, save or die
                      3rd level target: If he doesn't have a body guard, henchman, apprentice, or guard he gets one with a VERY colorful personlaity
                       5th level target: if he has never cast a 3rd level spell other than Fireball or Lightning Bolt, save or die.
           Thief: If the target dresses all in black, has more than 6 daggers, is an orphan, or spends his time brooding in the corner, he suddenly gains fashion sense, a sensible mix of weapons, long-lost cousins in the leather-tanning business, and a pleasant demeanor.
            Elf: Any elf that writes a lot of poetry, sings too much, has long, flowing hair (on a male), and broods about the end of an age must develop an actual personality.
                            Drow: Any Drow that is proficient in scimitars, has an animal companion that makes no sense, is a Ranger, or has a name with a 'Z' in it dies, no save.
            Dwarf: All Dwarves lose their lousy Scottish accents, stop being surly, and learn to tell a joke or three.
           Halflings: Lose 10 lbs, get a natty set of clothes (including shoes), and stop whining all the time.

          Dungeons: All goblins within the top 3 levels vanish (as does their treasure) and are replaced with something from the Fiend Folio.
          Inns and Taverns: The bartender is no longer fat and bald, the servants include at least one male and the women are properly dressed and too busy to flirt. The owner's wife is  no longer a nag, the corners become well-lit, and patrons are told to remove their cloaks and hang them on the pegs for their convenience.

  Please feel free to add your own effects.